Today I am sharing a life update that is pretty close to my heart and raw. I am one in four women who have had a miscarriage. I’d like to start by saying I don’t write this post lightly and have been putting it off for days. I don’t have the right words and I know it is an extremely difficult topic, even as I am writing this post right now I feel a rush of emotions. I feel the need to share our story because I actually read other women’s blog post during our experience and found it helpful. In its own way it made me feel less alone and that is what I am hoping to do here. If I can lend the same comfort I received to another women or family then I want to.
We started trying to grow our family early late summer to early fall and the first week of Nov found out we were expecting a baby. I need to back up and share that I sleep like a log, I don’t move and have pretty much slept through every bad storm we have ever had. The night before we found out I couldn’t sleep and in our house that means something’s up. I was laying on a heating pad, and couldn’t get comfortable. I woke up at 2 am and ended up going to sleep on the couch, and still was pretty restless all night. The next morning Andrew said, “I bet you’re pregnant.”
My First Thoughts When I Found Out I Was Pregnant
I took a test and to my surprise it was positive. Then I quickly took 2 more, I don’t know why I was shocked I knew we were trying but just couldn’t believe it. Immediately feelings of joy and nerves started to run through me. “I can’t believe this I am so excited!” ……but also “How will we all fit in this house?” “How will I be able to do blogging, nursing and be a full time mom of 2?” ” We are going to have a BABY!” “Eloise will be the BEST big sister” ….all ran through my head at once.
We didn’t tell family or any close friends, we wanted to wait until we had our first ultrasound. Little by little I started to let myself give way to excitement and not fear. I made an OB apt and got the pregnancy tracking app. We started to talk about summer plans to go (hopefully) to Disney for the first time with Eloise before the baby was due. We talked names and began to make plans.
Our One In Four Story
The morning I woke up and knew what was happening was terrible. I knew at once I wasn’t pregnant anymore and for some reason felt like I needed to blame myself. I have no idea why. The feeling of loneliness came over me because no one knew. I mean, how do you let your parents know good and bad news all at the same time? It’s one of the largest rollercoaster of emotions I have ever experienced.
It was hard on all of use. We took the day and the following week and tried to do things that made us happy as a family. Things like a new Christmas tree! And for the first time put up two in our house. We prayed and cried, and cried and prayed. I have full faith that God is in control. It’s not that I ever doubt that it’s just I was so incredibly sad, and some days still am.
In the coming weeks, we tried to process as we navigated through this loss. It took a few days before I could call the OB and cancel the appointment and then another week before I deleted the due date out of the pregnancy app. It’s these little things that are just constant reminders of what is no longer. It really is heartbreaking.
There were two things that I said the entire time I was pregant with Eloise that helped ease my worries. Having a Pediatric ICU background you see some things you can’t unsee. I went into our first pregnancy with SO much fear. It was all consuming at times. After speaking with some fellow nurses and friends I came up with two mottos. The first “And if not He is still good” and the second “Faith over Fear” I told these to myself over and over. Today sitting here typing this I feel the same way. God is good and He has a future for our family. I am not exactly sure what that looks like for us but I am hopeful to continue to grow our family.
I wanted to write this post out to close out 2020. It wasn’t how we saw or hoped the year would end. However, we plan to move forward into 2021 with hope and praying for what is to come.
Thank you for reading this post, it was just as hard to write as I knew it would be. If one woman out there reads it and feels less alone then that’s all that matters. Because chances are you or someone you know could be one in four.
